Abuse in a relationship is a problem that deeply affects one’s psyche, physical health, and self-worth. One commonly described model that helps understand the mechanism of abuse is the so-called cycle of abuse — a sequence of recurring phases that appear in many relationships affected by abuse. Understanding this cycle can be the first step towards deciding to make a change and seeking professional support.
Phases of the Cycle of Abuse
The cycle of abuse model was initiated by psychologist Lenore E. Walker in the 1970s and has since formed the basis for therapeutic and intervention work in the context of domestic violence.
Below are the typical phases of the cycle:
1. Tension Building Phase (tension building / tension phase)
- The abuser becomes increasingly nervous, irritable; stress tolerance decreases.
- Minor arguments, provocations, criticism, and outbursts of anger may appear.
- The person experiencing abuse tries to avoid conflicts, meet expectations, de-escalate the situation, often apologizes, and adjusts their behavior.
- Psychophysical effects: anxiety, tension, headaches, sleep disturbances, stomach problems, loss of appetite, a feeling of constant apprehension.
2. Acute Incident Phase (acute incident / crisis phase)
- Escalation to physical abuse occurs, often involving force, threats, and sometimes sexual violence.
- Injuries appear; life and physical health may be threatened.
- The person experiencing abuse may try to protect themselves — by avoiding, calming, or surrendering — but often nothing helps. After the event, strong emotions emerge: terror, disbelief, shame, shock.
3. Honeymoon Phase (reconciliation / calm / honeymoon phase)
- The abuser apologizes, shows remorse, promises to change, and often tries to compensate for the harm — through gifts, assurances, kind gestures, returning to “being who they were at the beginning.“
- The person experiencing abuse may feel relief and hope, recalling the good moments of the relationship. They believe it was an isolated incident and that their partner will change.
- However, this phase is often short-lived and frequently precedes the return of the tension-building phase — thus repeating the cycle.
What Changes with Each Cycle
- Abuse can intensify physically or psychologically — each subsequent episode may be more aggressive.
- The honeymoon phase usually becomes shorter and less convincing: apologies and expressions of remorse are less sincere, leading to less long-term change.
- The entire cycle shortens — tension more quickly escalates into abuse.
Psychological and Somatic Effects
Research shows that relationship abuse (physical or emotional) leads to long-term consequences:
- High risk of mood disorders: depression, anxiety.
- Potential for developing PTSD or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), especially when abuse is prolonged.
- Sleep and appetite problems, chronic stress, psychosomatic ailments.
- Loss of self-worth, shame, social isolation.
New research also highlights that physical abuse in a relationship can have a lasting impact on brain health and cognitive function.
When to Seek Therapeutic Help?
If you are experiencing abuse, it’s crucial to act — below are signs and moments that suggest psychotherapeutic help is essential:
- When abuse becomes more frequent and severe — not only physical, but also psychological, emotional, and economic.
- When you live in constant fear and tension, feeling like you’re “on edge“ or “walking on eggshells.“
- When no real changes are observed after an episode of abuse — apologies and promises are only temporary and unhelpful.
- When you start experiencing psychosomatic ailments (pains, sleep disturbances, apathy).
- When your self-esteem, sense of dignity, and relationship patterns are destroyed — you feel worthless.
- When you think about leaving, but lack a clear plan or fear the consequences.
What Psychotherapy Can Offer
In psychotherapy, actions are possible that help break the cycle of abuse and build a safe space for recovery:
- Diagnosis – understanding your cycle, your reactions, your needs, and your boundaries.
- Individual therapeutic support – working through trauma, anxiety, depressive symptoms, and feelings of shame.
- Safety planning – creating a safety plan for your physical self, mental well-being, and life situation.
- Psychoeducation – understanding the mechanisms of abuse, the cycle of violence, and manipulation strategies to recognize the abuser’s projections and manipulations.
- Couples/family therapy (only if safe) – if the abuser is willing to take responsibility and work towards change; it is crucial that therapy is conducted by a specialist experienced in domestic violence and considers the victim’s safety boundaries.
- Crisis intervention – if the situation poses a threat to life or health.
What You Can Do Today
- Contact a support line or helpline for victims of abuse (e.g., “Niebieska Linia“ in Poland).
- If possible, create a space or a way to rest, even a brief break from the tense situation.
- Note down the facts: when and what happens, your reactions, how you feel — this can be helpful in therapy.
- Seek a therapist experienced in working with domestic violence. Make sure you feel safe during the initial contact.
Summary
The cycle of abuse is not a destiny you must accept. Recognizing the phases — tension building, acute violence, and the “honeymoon“ phase — is crucial because it helps you understand why leaving a toxic relationship can be difficult, and promises of change can be misleading. Psychotherapy can help you regain safety, understand the mechanisms that keep you in this cycle, and gradually build a life where you are respected, free from abuse.
If you feel you are in such a relationship or suspect something like this is happening — do not wait. Contact me or a specialist whose therapeutic approach takes into account safety concerns and the specifics of abuse. You can call a helpline, talk anonymously, or schedule an initial consultation.
