When your world stops
The death of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences a person can face. As C.S. Lewis wrote in his book A Grief Observed:
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
Losing a loved one – a parent, partner, child, or friend – makes your everyday world lose its meaning. It’s as if someone pulled the foundation out from under your home – everything begins to sway and crack. Psychology describes this as a grief crisis – a moment when previous coping mechanisms are no longer enough, and a person feels helpless in the face of pain and emptiness.
What is Grief?
Grief is a natural response of the body to loss. It is not an illness, but a process that involves emotions, body, and mind. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In practice, grief rarely progresses linearly – it more closely resembles a wave that sometimes recedes and sometimes engulfs you anew.
Psychologists Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut proposed the so-called oscillation model – healthy grief involves alternately immersing oneself in emotions related to loss and diverting attention from them, for instance, through daily responsibilities. It’s a unique dance between pain and life.
Symptoms of Grief
Grief manifests in multiple dimensions:
- Emotional: sadness, longing, guilt, anger, anxiety, and sometimes even a sense of relief (e.g., when a loved one suffered from a prolonged illness).
- Somatic: chest tightness, fatigue, sleep disturbances, stomach problems.
- Cognitive: difficulty concentrating, intrusive memories, a sense of disorientation.
- Social: feelings of isolation, lack of understanding from others, withdrawal from social life.
As Maria, 58, said after her husband’s death:
“I walked into our apartment and felt as if the walls were screaming with silence. Nothing made sense. Even grocery shopping seemed unimaginably difficult.”
What Do Studies Say?
- George Bonanno (2004) demonstrated that most people adapt to loss within 6–18 months, although the intensity of pain during this period is immense.
- 10–20% of individuals experience **prolonged grief disorder**, which requires professional treatment.
- Research by Stroebe & Schut (1999) shows that healthy grief involves oscillation – a person learns to balance between suffering and returning to life.
Real-Life Examples – What Does a Grief Crisis Look Like?
- Paweł, 34 – after his father’s death, he threw himself into work, avoiding his emotions. After several months, he experienced anxiety attacks and exhaustion. Only psychotherapy allowed him to safely process his sadness.
- Joanna, 50 – after her sister’s sudden death, she didn’t want to meet anyone. She felt as though everyone else was moving on, while she remained stuck. A grief support group helped her find a sense that she wasn’t alone.
- Andrzej, 67 – after losing his wife, he said: “I don’t know who I am without her.” Through therapy, he discovered he could rebuild his identity while preserving his love and memories.
How to Cope On Your Own?
1. Allow Yourself to Feel Your Emotions
Sadness, anger, guilt – these are normal. Suppressing emotions prolongs grief. Crying is a form of healing.
2. Talk About Your Loss
Talk about your loved one with family, friends, or a therapist. Sharing stories about the deceased allows you to maintain a connection and find meaning in the experience.
3. Take Care of Your Body
Although it may seem trivial, regular sleep, meals, and exercise help you get through the crisis. Studies show that physical activity reduces symptoms of depression during grief.
4. Create Rituals of Remembrance
Visiting a grave, lighting a candle, creating a memory album – these are ways to help integrate loss into daily life.
5. Allow Yourself Moments of Joy
Many people feel guilty when they start to smile after a loss. But joy does not mean forgetting. It is proof that life still flows on.
Metaphors of Grief
- The Ocean – Grief is like a wave. Sometimes calm, sometimes engulfing your entire being. With time, we learn to surf, though the waves never disappear completely.
- A Path Through the Forest – At first, it’s dense, dark, and the path isn’t visible. But step by step, light appears between the trees.
- A Wound – Grief is a wound that may never fully disappear, but it can heal. A scar remains – a sign of love, not just suffering.
When to Seek Help?
- If intense pain lasts for many months and doesn’t subside.
- If you are unable to function at work, at home, or in relationships.
- If depression, feelings of hopelessness, or thoughts of giving up arise.
- If you completely isolate yourself from people and see no prospects for the future.
Forms of Support
- Individual Psychotherapy – a safe space for processing emotions and finding meaning.
- Crisis Intervention – short-term support for acute pain.
- Support Groups – connecting with others who are grieving, fostering a sense of community.
- Family Mediation – when grief affects the entire family and conflicts arise (e.g., over inheritance).
Quotes That Offer Hope
“Love never dies – it merely changes its form.” – Irvin Yalom
“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” – Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie
Summary – From Pain to Life
Grief is a process that cannot be rushed or avoided. It is a path each person must walk in their own way. But you don’t have to walk it alone.
Remember: pain is proof of how deeply you loved. That love doesn’t disappear – it transforms, becoming a part of you.
If you feel that grief is overwhelming you, seek professional help. Psychotherapy, crisis intervention, or a support group can become a place where you regain hope and strength to return to life.
